Richmond Park

9th December 2006

Man of the Match: Jonny Booth

Team: Hugo Froud; Grant Bentley, Jim Robertson*, Tom Rooke, Ed Thomas; Duncan Weir, Jim Burrage; Mark Lloyd-Davies, Jo Holt, Steve Pike; Matt Templeman *, Charlie Price; Kevin Pike (captain and daddy), Jonny Booth*, Alex Holding-Parsons; Paul Crang, Rhys Wynn, Mark Dunn, Andy Harris

* denotes guest player

Rosslyn Park FC 5 Vs 27 Apple Growers

 

Tries: K.Pike, E.Thomas, J.Robertson (2), H.Froud

Cons: T.Rooke (1) 

The Game

It was entirely Pricey Senior's fault that I arrived late to the game, stepping out of my taxi into the cold London air to see the Growers on the attack with the match still scoreless. As I wandered behind the goalposts the ball was spun wide to Thommo, the White Lightning on the wing, who was bundled into touch as he dived for the line. "Oh no", I thought, watching Thommo writhe in agony on the ground as memories of Milton Abbey a year ago, and Growers pride dented, came flooding back, "not again".

To take my mind off this distressing sight I reached into my bag and brought out the bottle of Swedish cider I had rescued from my fridge. "Hey," I said to myself as I took a sip, "this stuff isn't bad". And the clouds parted, the winter sun shone through and Thommo's tender skin shone white light like one of God's own angels. "I can play on!" he proudly proclaimed, lifting his team and the crowd with his Growers spirit, "though first half only please".

And so the scene was set for a fine day's rugby. Thommo's metaphorical spunk flowed over the team, and the next few minutes saw enterprising back play, inspired by the nimble feet of Weiro and some great running angles from Rookie and guest player Jim Robertson. Eventually such play saw Rookie break through down the right wing, draw the man then release Thommo for the try. Dry conditions and a tricky uphill slope clearly affected Thommo's slide over the line, and in the context of the high standard of Growers showboating we can only award his slide 6 out of 10.

A further try followed for Froudy, playing the "returning hero" role once more after his absence through injury. Froudy has long been a favourite among the loyal band of Growers supporters, both for his dramatic running style (his lunging sidesteps and Elvis-like thrust of the hips normally performed at least twenty yards away from any tackler) and for his exotic selection of shorts. In the past these have included PVC hotpants and Nike "Teaser" specials (with cheeky ventilation slit): this time Froudy decided to go for a baggy 1930s retro pair in homage to the rich traditions of Rosslyn Park. Froudy's request in the changing room post match that someone bring hypoallergenic body paint to the Teddington game suggests that once again this exciting young man will be the one to watch.

As regards the details of Froudy's try I can't remember it for the life of me, as I was distracted at this point by Louisa Crang's horrendously pink ear muffs (with my time split between cheap shot "muff" jokes and inquiring where I can get a pair for myself). I seem to recall however that it was a cracking team effort, and everyone was involved and so we can all go home happy.

Both tries were unconverted. As a relative outsider to Bruton rugby I have always found that the subject of kicking brings out a slightly misty-eyed look in the average Grower. "Ah of course", they say, "Brian Ashton had us running the ball all the time. We never needed to apply boot to leather. That's the proper way to play rugby". I usually then have to point out to the younger members that they were still at prep school (or Ansford in the case of public school chav Will Pitt) when Brian Ashton was coaching. I would suggest that Jim Burrage's conversion attempt, a splendid effort that bobbled weakly along the 22 yard line like a Steve McManaman cross, showed the truth: the exciting running style of the Growers is a necessity rather than a virtue. Rookie's successful second half conversion was average at best - downhill, in front of the posts, with the wind - and certainly didn't justify his strut back to the halfway line.

For the rest of the first half the action swung more furiously than Marco approaching a mid-life crisis. Rosslyn pounded the Growers line in search of a try, but the defence held firm, with the forwards as a unit tighter than one of Rookie's t-shirts. Rosslyn also let themselves down their many handling mistakes, although it should also be said that the ball came flying out of the back of the rucks a suspiciously large number of times. That the Growers weren't penalised more was mainly due to injured club stalwart Keast "The Beast", whose touchline advice to the ref was as good a bit of commentary heard since Wynnit's effort in Dormitory 7 of the Bru Hostel. Rosslyn only scored one try before half time, which was a minor victory for the Growers given the tricky nature of the slope.

The Break

By half time a decent crowd had assembled. Jon Gregory had already left by that stage, and having spent most of the match cheering for Richmond 3rds on the other pitch ("I never knew Bruton play in blue") it must be asked whether it was all worth the effort. We can forgive him as he's not a very sporty fellow, and the delicate sugared pastries he supplied complemented the sweet Swedish cider. Kate Sedge and Hannah Gibbsy both showed that there is no substitute for experience, with suitable footwear and padded overcoats covering their disco gear for later, with Sedge in particular sporting a sparkly top and a splendid necklace. Marco turned up resplendent in tweed: when asked why he was dressed so smartly he replied "oh I'm meeting up with an old school friend today don't you know", showing once again that this man has a comment for every occasion.

The Game Again

The second half kicked off and the Growers quickly began to assume control, led by the forwards and, in particular, Pikey Senior. Many thought that fatherhood would mellow the First Daddy of the Growers, but it was clear that ten days of breast feeding and poo under his fingernails (and that was before Henry was born) had if anything increased the rage within. One fifteen metre charge through no less than five defenders was particularly noteable, as was the look on his face when Weiro missed touch (again). Weiro soon swapped kicking duties with Rookie: "I couldn't bear the look on Pikey's face any longer", Weiro said after the game, "It was as if I'd suggested we kick Henry into touch".

Pikey Sr was ably backed up by the other forwards. The strength in depth the Growers have here means now that facing a Growers pack is as horrible an experience as checking out a girl from behind, deciding you definitely would, and then seeing her face and realising it's a man. And not even an attractive man. Maybe even a man with a beard. And bad breath.

Anyhow. Many thought before the game that the loss of Buster Gibbsy and His Unfeasibly Large Testicles would be a major problem, but Holty stepped up to the plate and put in a fine performance, although he apparently didn't enjoy the chilly conditions. "I'm just glad to be back" he said in the changing rooms afterwards. Uncle Steve (again a force in the loose) and new boy Mark Lloyd-Davies began to drive the opposition back in the scrum, and the engine room of Matt Templeton (9ft 2 and still growing) and Charlie Price (Europipe 2005-2006, losing the award this year in an exciting but messy extra time shoot out) dominated the line out. In the loose, big name player Alex Holding-Parsons, replacement Andy Harris and Jonny "Sideshow Bob" Booth were dynamic, thrusting and potent, with Boothy in particular charging around like a Rampant Rabbit on fast setting (with oscillating balls).

The forward dominance, together with clever little nudges from Jim Burrage into the bottom right corner, meant that the driving maul became an effective tactic, eventually leading to a try for the rampaging Pikey Sr. Unfortunately, things went too far, and one of these mauls collapsed onto Jim, and more specifically his manhood. Jim used this as an excuse to stand on the sideline flapping his testicles into the wind. I had moved onto the cans of Carling by that point, and the weak lager didn't leave half as much as a bitter and foul taste in my mouth as Jim's balls did.

As the second half wore on the backs began to take advantage of the forward's platform. Weiro had been very excited before the game about his promotion to the Growers' fifth choice flyhalf behind "One Of The Lads" Hawkesy (suspension of Superstar status still active), Pricey (pre-man boobs version), Lundy and Olly Fowlston, and he took the chance with both hands, his breaks and lively play allowing the backs to cut loose in the final quarter. Rookie pranced and preened about as only he knows how, Wynitt came on and gave away more penalties than a Frenchman with a hangover and new boy Grant Bentley showed some nice touches and powerful bursts, keeping his eyes fixed on the high ball like Pricey Sr keeps his eyes fixed on the females in a nightclub.

2 tries followed for Kiwi Jim. The first try was quite special: a break from Weiro, a loop round Rookie and Pikey Sr bursting up through the middle. Pikey isolates the defender and all that can be heard is a sharp hiss as the entire crowd breathes in for a big "WA-HEY!"....but instead of the expected bosh Pikey has stepped off his left and accelerated, leaving the defender stranded. A textbook drawing of the last man leads to a simple pass to Kiwi Jim who runs in a great score. For more details of this try, and for Pikey related facts and news in general, log on to www.ilovekevinpikehe'sreallygreat.com.

The second try was also quite special. The ball was again recycled quickly and for once a successful chip was put through by a back. As I can't remember who made the chip I will credit it to Cranger, who had an excellent half and showed some real gas. In any case, the ball fell to cult hero Dunner, whose Rooney-esque trapping of the ball wrong footed the defence and allowed Kiwi Jim to steal through for the final try. A great win for the Growers and an entertaining match.

The Drunken Banter

The Growers wisely held off holding the post match presentations in the Rosslyn Park clubhouse. As entertaining a bunch of characters we have, I think even the likes of Simon "Drink drink drink drink and hurl hooorah" Wildbur and Rhys "You name it I've had it, me" Wynn would struggle to compete with the Luctonians' director of rugby, our potato farming, Welsh speaking, four pint chugging, ooh a six hour coach journey home is going to hurt after that New Best Mate. The Most Ancient and Venerable Passing of the Jacket Ceremony was held at the Larrick, with the man of the match of the award and new blazer (the first one disappearing with Olly Fowlston never to be seen again) rightfully being given to Boothy for his dynamic performance on the flank.

Now, those who know Boothy will agree that there is such a thing as being too heterosexual. Even injury was not enough to slow this man down, and by the time he left Rosslyn he had swapped numbers with the physio treating him, telling her to "look me up next time you're in Bath, yup yup bro sweet as eh". Giving this man the challenge of "Wear My Jacket" was like a red rag to a bull, and I think it's safe to say that the next update of the website will see the Wear My Jacket gallery looking like an FHM cover shoot.

Cider-fuelled frolics followed, with the evening brightened by the presence of some top drawer WAGs and some top shelf stories from Marco. The presence of Pricey Sr's new girlfriend meant that the usual "grey areas" concerning his sexuality went unexplored for most of the day. Unexplored, that is, until his girlfriend made a personal request for the old classic "Pricey is a Bender". The song's uplifting chorus never fails to bring a tear to my eye, and the joyous emotion that coursed throughout the pub showed that the Growers truly have an anthem to rival "Flower of Scotland" and "Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau" for sheer passion.

Despite his claims that he didn't feel like dancing, no sir, no dancing today, it only took a few beers to loosen Gibbsy up, and soon he was in his natural element, ie naked on the dance floor of the Larrick, with His Unfeasibly Large Testicles drawing sniggers mid-song from the in-house guitarist. Indeed, you only had to look at Keast "the Beast" bouncing up and down on the Larrick's makeshift dancefloor to realise what a great day this was for the Growers. Big thanks to Jim Burrage for all of his hard work, and bring on the New Year and Teddington, North Dorset and London Cornish!

L.C.