GROWERS BEST MATES


Wynnit & JERRY GUSCOTT



 
....So there I was about to take my seat at the home of rugby when who did I spot? None other than Lions drop goal hero and part-time model Jerry Guscott. With England’s most prolific centre not hearing my shouts of 'oi Jezza over hear!' (or choosing to ignore them, although I assume the former is the case) I was stuck with no access to the restricted area where he was smiling to the TV cameras no doubt talking about the Apple Growers recent unbeaten rugby season and how he was gagging for a game!
Batman has his cave, Superman his phone box and Banana Man has..well Bananas, I on the other hand was armed only with a mobile phone and a mother who has freedom to roam round the ground.
One thing for it I thought, whipping out my mobile phone...seconds later my Mother was walking over to Jerry with her 'All Access' pass, before asking if he would mind having a picture taken with 'her little boy'. Jerry came walking over shaking a few hands, signing a few autographs and taking the odd pat on the back. As he arrived through the gate he looked rather bemused as no 'little boy' was in sight. 'Here he is' my mother announced with Jerry looking very confused, as he was obviously waiting for some young 12 year old fan who just knew he was that bloke off the telly. In slightly slurred words I introduced myself and could tell I'd made his day. Like an old pro he smiled for the camera and was off after a quick handshake, side-stepping more autograph hunters and into the clutches of Brian Moore. Ahhh I thought just like the old days.
Jerry Guscott...Bath Bred, Lions Hero, BBC pundit, who will be slightly suspicious next time an official looking person comes and asks for a photo with their 'little boy' and now..........My Best Mate.

 

John Harris & DAVID HASSLEHOFF

....So there I was in the Virgin Megastore by Piccadilly Circus when who should be there but the one and only " Hoff ". So I decided to take the opportunity to get this photo with him. We had a fantastic conversation about the slowness of camera phones and he was generous enough to give me a copy of his book "Making Waves" (which he charged me for) and he was also kind enough to sign it for me. What a gent.
David Hasslehoff, life guard, German pop star, Night Rider, 'The Hoff' and now....my best mate.
Doggers & DAVID CAMPESE
 

.....so there I was, wandering around the Rocks area of Sydney after a gruelling job interview at one of Sydney's top law firms ("Do yer like Kylie mate? We don't want anyone here who doesn't like Kylie") when who did I see in a nearby shop but a fat lookalike of David Campese munching on a meat pie. A gaggle of Japanese tourists snapping away made me realise however that this fat lookalike was none other than former Wallabies legend and rent-a-mouth Campo. The years have been kind.

"Alright Campo", I said nervously, "can I get a picture?". Campo clearly recognised a fellow talented but defensively fragile rugby genius and so pulled out his best "I'm a little teapot" pose for the camera. Always willing to pick up a few tips I imitated his pose but, like my rugby, my best efforts were a shadow of the real thing.

Ah, David Campese, my pie munching, sports shop owning, gifted but fragile rugby genius, come on mate it can't cost you that much to invest in more than one shirt for work New Best Mate.

 

Gibbsy & MATT DAWSON

......so there I was, at work, when Matt Dawson came in to do some promotional work for Asics. He sat down at his table and got ready to sign posters and shirts for the general public. I was making small talk with the world cup warrior and felt brave enough to get my Wasps shirt signed.He wrote, ‘To Will, all the best mate, be good’.Suddenly it was like we had been mates forever; I started showing him his best sporting moments from the plethora of England DVD’s, but it was when I showed him the Austin Healy DVD that we really clicked. If you cast your mind back to the DVD, he takes a job in pizza hut and creates a pizza called ‘the Daws’ which consisted of a meaty base with nothing on top. Oh how we laughed…..i never wanted him to leave, but leave he had to as his 2 hour slot had ended….

Matt Dawson - great cook, influential quiz captain, brilliant rugby player, twinkled toed genius…and my new best mate.

 

Campers & RICHIE BENAUD & GEOFF BOYCOTT

...so there i was on my way back from Lords, me and a friend both half-cut following a dismal one day international, and chatting about the disappointment of not hearing Richie Benaud's smooth as silk voice in England after this summer; when out of nowhere my friend recognised Geoffrey Boycott mumbling about "hitting batsman in heart, 'urt him", and with him good old Bondi-Bronzed Richie sporting not the famous cream/white/off-white/bone/ivory/beige but a nice sky blue number (something that must have been part of his disguise in not getting recognised). Resisting the temptation to ask if Kevin the Make-up Artist ever did mess around at his Members End, we started an engaging discourse on the relative values of Rupert Murdoch's sporting empire. Richie articulately presented the case against cricket being away from free to air tv, and even found time to invite us to his French Vinyard Chateall-over-Thefloor.
 
Richie Benaud, and Geoff Boycott - bondi-bronzed, yoda look-a-like, real commentating legend, that knows he's the best and, Northern boring commentator that likes to see batsmen and his wife with bruises (allegedly).... and now my best mates.
 
Gibbsy & LEWIS MOODY & STEVE THOMPSON
 

....So there I was in Auckland, Lion hunting. It was the end of a very frustrating tour for all fans and we controversially decided to leave the pub and have a look around town.

On our travels we bumped into a crocked Brian O’Driscoll with his lovely girlfriend, Julian White with his wife, Gavin ‘perma tan’ Henson unsurprisingly on his own yet our juices really began to flow when old crazy horse himself started giving myself and my housemate banter about our Duncan Jones (welsh prop), hairstyles…not for the first time on tour!!

Like the hard rugby players we were, we politely giggled and nodded like schoolgirls and asked if he and Thommo, (to his mates), wouldn’t mind have a photo with us. We took about 3 and that’s the best smile we got out of Thompson…

Thompson & Moody – Shrek like, Crazy, reckless, punchy, battered and continually bruised, world cup heroes… and now my new best mates.

 

Weiro  & DUNCAN GOODHEW

...and there I was sitting opposite the 1980 Olympic Breastroke Gold Medallist Duncan Goodhew at Sunday Lunch. I was very conscious not to pigeon hole Duncan as a swimmer. I wanted to find out more about him beyond the pool so I made sure the discussion at the lunch table covered a wide range of topics ranging from the London 2012 Aquatic Centre to the closing of Public Swimming pools in West Wiltshire. He turned out to be a fascinating and friendly chap and luckily for me was pleased to talk about such a diverse array of issues. The conversation turned to the local church who were proposing whether to convert a shed into an outside toilet. I asked Duncan how he would officially open it - he said he would give it a flush. Good choice I thought. Better than the suggestions milling around my head anyway.
Duncan Goodhew, gold medal winner, egg for a head, top bloke with good toilet humour and now my best mate.   
 
Doggers & HENRY LUXEMBURG

...so there I was, just another adrenaline filled day at work carefully amending and restating deeds and manning the photocopier when who should be upgrading the new BlackBerry software but ex-Hollyoaks serial killer Toby Mills, aka Henry Luxemburg. My questions of whether Mandy is as annoying in real life as she is on the show or whether he would rather have Dan and Lisa OR Becca and Jake, y'know, like if he really had to, were politely rebuffed with a smile, and he left before I could get a photo, leaving those great unanswered Sunday morning questions well, unanswered.

Ah, Henry Luxemburg, my soap opera acting, young blonde hating, fallen on hard times, don't worry fella the panto season starts soon new best mate......

 

Weiro & HENRY OLONGA

…and there I was, making my debut for The House of Lords & Commons cricket team (as you do) against the Eton Ramblers at Eton when who should be in the changing rooms next to me but ex Zimbabwean cricketer Henry Olonga. I disgraced myself in the field. So much so that when I asked for his autograph at the end of the match (at 25 I still felt I was young enough to ask for an autograph) he not only signed his name but also wrote a coaching tip aswell “Duncan, keep your head down”. Recent comparisons to Inzamam-Ul-Huq and Courtney Walsh as opposed to Roger Harper and Jonty Rhodes lead me to believe a few more coaching tips are in order.

Henry Olonga, ex-Zimbabwean World Cup cricketer banned from his own country for political reason's my personal cricket coach, ladies man, and my best mate.

 

Felly & DAVID CAMPESE

…and there I was, in Sydney with my parents when we stumbled across David Campese’s café/rugby shop. He was bending over the counter in a skimpy apron (obviously in his waiter role) when I shouted “Campo! How are you doing mate?” He gave me a filthy look as if to say ‘who are you?’ He had obviously never heard of the Apple Growers top try scorer from 2001 Oxford Brookes University 7’s tournament. My Mum then ruined our moment by continually asking him who was going to win the World Cup. In typical Campo style he eventually replied “Its not going to be the English. They’re a bunch of faggots!”   We didn’t stay long, but long enough for him to pose for a photograph.

Campo, arrogant controversial Australian rugby legend who was rude to my Mum and now my best mate.

Bouncy & MATT PERRY & MIKE TINDALL

…and there I was, in Po Na Na in Bath with the lads when in came half the Bath Rugby squad. While Felly went to give Iain Balshaw a few handy tips the rest of the boys were chanting songs about Matt Perry’s new haircut. Realising that actually Matt Perry could be my long lost brother and I asked for a quick photo. Then after looking at Mike Tindall I realised that perhaps he was my long lost brother, albeit a bit of an uglier version and asked for a quick photo.Matt Perry and Mike Tindall, England rugby Internationals, my long lost brothers, and now my best mates.

 

Felly & IAIN BALSHAW

…and there I was, in Po Na Na in Bath when Iain Balshaw was propped up at the bar beside me. Having excelled for Bath junior section and in mens rugby with Combe Down 2nd XV. I felt I had reached a high enough standard to offer Iain some constructive criticism by telling him he had a “shocker” for the Baa Baas a few weeks before. I could see that he was not happy with my detailed analysis of his match so I bought him a beer and asked him to “hug it out”. Much to everyone’s surprise he did hug it out with me.

Iain Balshaw, injury prone sporadic rugby genius who is willing to hug it out, and as you can tell from the photo, now my best mate.

Felly & MARY JOE FERNANDEZ

 

So there I was, having a leisurely game of tennis (not a surprise to many of you who know how much I like my tennis) with some weird looking bloke in a black shirt, when who should turn up and say that it was her turn on the court? None other than Mary Joe Fernandez. I looked at my watch before reminding her that:

A) I still had 7 minutes left on court

B) She never won Wimbledon

C) She used to be an absolute hottie.

She apologised. Mary Joe Fernandez, apologetic, lovely, used to be a childhood fantasy of mine…..and now, my best mate...

 

Felly & JOHN INVERDALE

 

....and there I was providing commentary for an O2 organised touch rugby tournament at Twickenham.  The event was going well and I was bringing out exceptionally eloquent lines when I get a tap on the shoulder.  I turned around to find that perma tanned commentating legend John Inverdale, was standing right behind me.  I greeted the gold toothed television maestro with a warm handshake and a wink, before handing him the microphone.  I think John might have thought he was fronting a rock band as his first line was “Hello London”.  This was met by a couple of disapproving jeers.  However, before too long the voice of BBC rugby was up and running and everybody was loving it.  The only problem was, I couldn’t get the microphone back off him.

John Inverdale – fake tanned, greedy, commentating legend who thinks he’s in a rock band…..and my best mate.

KSB U15's 1997 & LAWRENCE DALLAGLIO

....so there we were, back in the day, a squad of pubescent school boys from the rugby battlefields of Somerset trotting out of the changing rooms at 'HQ' onto the hallowed turf of Twickenham ready to take on the world. As we were ushered under the posts for a pre-match photo, who should pop up? none other than soon to be axed England Captain Lawrence Dallaglio (rumours of him asking Dunner if he fancied 'popping a few tabs' round the back of the burger van turned out to be untrue!). Lol,(to his new schoolboy 'Chums') turned to Gichuru and Mbu and came out with the usual quip of 'are you sure you're U15?', chuckling to himself along the way after seeing something move in Gichuru's lycra's. Little did he know that 8 years later, Mbu would be picking up the soap for him in the Wasps changing rooms.

Lawrence Dallaglio, growling Lion, king of cliché making former England Captain, world cup winner, set up by the News of the World...and now,...our best mate.