North Dorset RFC AXV   21 Vs 7   A.G.S.C. 

Tries:D.Green

Cons:W.Carew-Gibbs

The Match

Originally a 2^nd team fixture, then a 3^rd team fixture and then, two days before the match, it became an A team fixture. The Growers had never played North Dorset’s ‘A’ team. It was unquestionably the toughest fixture to date.

For the third match in a row the Growers would be led by a guest player, with Ben ‘Growler’ Appleton making his 5^th appearance on this occasion and gaining membership to the brotherhood.

The opening 10 minutes was a reality check for the Growers as heavy blows were exchanged. Captain Growler took the biggest knock, from North Dorset’s Canadian second rower, that left him speechless for the rest of the day and unable to socialise with any enthusiasm.

The first half was largely a case of staving off the onslaught of attacks as North Dorset made use of the conditions. The home team used the rolling maul to great effect and chose not to go for goal on a number of occasions. It was only fierce tackling on the try line by the Growers that kept them out.

Growler came close in the corner but it wasn’t to be his day. Many of the traditionalists thought it would be ill deserved anyway given his disregard for the dress code, especially with the brand new socks on sale before the game. Unlike Lundy, a 10 month ban was not imposed due to the “dislodging of his throat” in the early exchanges. The only other opportunity for points on the board was a penalty attempt from Gibbsy. Needless to say it was hooked like all his attempts …into touch. While Lundy rides out his ban and Pricey continues to recover from his “shoulder operation” there is definitely an opportunity for someone to become the new No.3 in the goal kicking pecking order, as Gibbsy continues to slide down the popularity ratings as fast as George Galloway from the celebrity Big Brother house.

7-0 down at half time playing against the wind and up the slope was in essence a moral victory for the Growers. There was a quiet optimism amongst the supporters that they might just steal a result.

Further chances presented themselves in the second half and, eventually, Dave Green made the most of an opportune moment: realising that the full back was out of position he chipped the ball over the North Dorset back line and ran on to score in a wonderful solo effort. 7-7 and looking good.

Unfortunately North Dorset took the lead again after another period of sustained pressure. 14-7. Regular club teams’ fitness levels will always prevail over the monthly makeshift wandering teams of which the Growers are members. One of the most satisfying traits of the Growers is that everyone will tackle until they drop, even Wildboar. There is only so much tackling one can do in a match with basic fitness levels however, and soon enough a gap will appear.  To counteract this, the Growers have to play with the laissez-faire attitude of ‘we will score more tries than you’. As it was, the attacking options were limited on the day.

It stayed 14-7 for the majority of the second half. Five minutes from the end the Growers were presented with the best chance of the game to score and level the game. By the time the conversion attempt would have been made it would have chewed up enough time to almost guarantee one of the best result in the history of the club at 14-14. A three man overlap presented itself 4 metres from the line only for ‘Keast the Beast’ to attempt to go through the gap and score himself instead of spreading it wide. His excuses in the bar afterwards fell on deaf ears and he was duly awarded Dick of Day.

The skills levels are always there to see. In many aspects of the game, such as in drawing men and offloading out of the tackle, the Growers were far superior but an intended miss pass from Greeno to Pikey Snr in the last dying seconds was intercepted, with the resulting try sealing the game for North Dorset, 21-7. The score line flattered North Dorset but a 14-14 draw would have been a generous result for the Apple Growers. Despite the score it was one of the best performances from the Growers and a marked improvement from their one other defeat, earlier in the season against The Hornets.

The Players

Dave Green had an exceptional game. His distribution was faultless for 79 minutes and 40 seconds. It was pointed out that there were a few defensive questions for him to answer but he is only human despite his well-documented super human school sporting CV. The flash hair-do definitely did not disappoint.

The centres were a concern for the Match Managers. Weiro was still out injured with a slight mince of the left leg and emerging sensation John Beddow was unavailable. The more familiar partnerships of Crangers and Felly (“The Iron Curtain”) and Lundy and Rookie (“The Ginger Patterned Curtain with a frilly RCL Finish”) were all away for different reasons. The shortage of centres meant Gibbsy’s fantasy came true, not the multiple partner fantasy, but starting at 12 and taking over the kicking duties. Despite the goal kicking Gibbsy proved he’s not just a talented hooker of medicine ball proportions, but also an adaptable rugby player who can ply his trade both in the dark arts of the front row and in the sophistications of the three-quarters. The other makeshift centres, Maggot, making his debut, and Clarky, did admirably well playing out of their preferred positions. It should be noted that Maggot did look a little out of shape after his stint in the Big Brother house, and that gold boots would have been more appropriate for the lead singer from Goldie Looking Chain, as opposed to his rather common silver boots.

“The returning hero” Hugo Froud returned again with another strong game. Always very particular about his style of shorts, this time he went for the Nike ‘Teaser’ option, with revealing slit up the side, for 60 minutes and then changed for the last 20 into the conventional string cord two regular holes for each leg and with a slightly more roomy fit when compared to the hot pants he borrowed off Pricey in previous seasons. The Growers hope he will return again in March for the Salisbury match, the fixture in which he made his heroic debut in 2003.

Jack Foot came on in the second half an added an injection of power and penetration from the back. Much the same as the footage on Hack-Saw’s mobile phone, Footy’s performance was large, raw, explicit, x-rated and undoubtedly homemade.

The ‘3 P’s’ made up the front row. Pike, Pike, and controversial figure “Porn King Rory Parker”. Great performances all round from the 3 P’s. Steve Pike eventually taking birthday boy Nick Price’s Man of the Match award. Some thought Pricey might award it to Dave Green for his impressive display in the showers or to Froudy for his return in a heroic pair of risqué shorts. In the end, he made a sensible decision made on purely rugby principles.

Pricey Jnr, player of the 2004/2005 season is not living up to his prestigious accolade he received last year. He is in grave danger of coming off more times for injury than Ollie East makes speeches in a curry house in one evening: too many! The Growers wish him a speedy recovery and many hours enjoyment with his Player of the Season tankard before he returns it in September for a new recipient.

Juan Paco and Marco Laing both pulled out of the fixture at short notice. Juan most likely had commitments visiting single mums in the West London area (‘Spanish descendency preferable although not essential’). Marco on the other hand had strict instructions from his domestic manager that rugby was a dangerous game and when news came out that the Growers were to play North Dorset’s A XV he suffered a particularly nasty neck injury. This did not go down well with Club Sec ‘Keast the Beast’ who, in a rage of anger, left an especially disparaging answer phone message on Marco’s phone asking him to get out of the pub in Gillingham and get his kit on. Keast’s stress levels were only exemplified by the horrendous week at work in Bordeaux tasting expensive wines. This also effected his performance on the pitch, which although as palatable as ever, it was not the quality vintage, rich and full bodied with plummy undertones, like we have come to expect from him. It would be unfair to highlight the one major incident mentioned earlier and tar the rest of his performance with the same brush, his commitment and energy on the pitch is more than most.

If you are looking for consistency then Baldy and Pratty Jnr have it in abundance. Time after time they put in great performances. Not far behind in performance levels is Jim Burrage who continues to excel at both scrum half and fullback.

The usual ‘One Half Cowboys’ were out in force led by the affable Thommo. One of his gang, “the one man skirmishing unit Jim Knowling”, who normally specialises in one huge memorable tackle and then hiding for the rest of the half, broke rank and played a whole game. Perhaps that was the reason why there was no memorable tackle this time and why St.John’s Ambulance were generously staffed. Debutant Will Aspinal and occasional Rob Cordina shared second row duties joining Thommo’s band of men along with the above mentioned Maggot, Clarky and Footy.

The “20 minuters” are an interesting mix of players. Some are eager to promote themselves into the One Half Cowboys but are cruelly held back by management, like John Kean and Si Wildbur. Others, led by Tom Hacking, enjoy the short cameo appearances that justify their journeys and allow them to get smashed afterwards and show off their talents in very specialist and niche entertainment with a clean conscience. Hack-Saw for instance, used a mixture of technology and a large imagination at home to entertain the boys after.

Apres Match Festivities

Becoming a life member of the Apple Growers can be an emotionally draining experience so no-one begrudged Aspi taking a power nap in his car and missing the laborious après match ceremonial traditions that have become the norm these days at Apple Growers events.

The ‘handing over of the jacket’ ceremony was very much a low key event, this time with Pratty Jnr begrudgingly giving it to Pikey Jnr who commented what a snug fit it was. It definitely gave him an aura of superiority over the other school kids on the Legends dance floor later in the evening as he tried to discipline a few of the junior girls who were out late.

Good to see Sandy Mackenzie, Alice Burrage, Sally Hanley, Beardy, Luke Fenton, Marco Laing, Harry Witherby, David Hindley, Dr Weir, Mr and Mrs Froud, Duncan Weir, Southie, Richard Sullivan, Pratty’s new underage girlfriend, Nick Price and all the other girlfriends, parents and friends who braved the cold to come and support.

Even better to see people turn up just for the evening celebrations like Tim Shipsey, the Bavister twins, Rob Dunning, Kate Sedgeman and Sophie S-T. Apologies to those who have been missed out. The Growers would like to thank you all.

Other Points of Interest

Kit man, Maggot, produced two new kit bags, which is understood to be of great delight and relief to Laundry Co-ordinator Pat East. Apparently the handles on the Marks & Spencers bags previously used were breaking far too easily and could only be used once. This is clearly a frustration shared by all Laundry Co-ordinators up and down the country at some point in their laundry careers.

Maggot’s pilfering of office freebies has been so efficient that within a year or two the Apple Growers will be the best dressed and equipped club in the Somerset RFU handbook. Items have even stretched to changing room tactics boards with magnets to represent players. The supporters on the sideline had only wished the demonstration of using the overlap had been shown to Ollie East before the match.

DPW