PLAYERS: L.Clark (capt.), J.Kean, W.Crawshaw, J.Beddow, D.Green, N.Price, R.Campbell, W.Pitt, S.Drake (Guest), K.Pike, L.Foot, C.Price, O.East, S.Pike, R.Parker, W.Carrew-Gibbs.

The Hornets            15-0       A.G.S.C.       

Pre Match

Crangers, Lundy, Rookie, Pratty Jnr, Balders, Shippo, Jim Burrage, Jim Knowling, Marco, Weiro, Burdy, Ed ‘first half only please’ Thomas, Froudy, Felly, Matt Ball, Bill, Dan Britten, Wildboar, Caffer Thompson, John Packer, Sosko, the Douglas twins were just a few of the players not available for this fixture. One half of me was pleased that we had such a good player base but the other wondered if the match managers (one of whom didn’t bother turning up) had been somewhat casual in their team selection.

My worst fears were confirmed when no sooner had I arrived at the spectacularly stunning grounds of Milton Abbey School than I had stepped in a fresh meaty dog poo. Early signs showed the day clearly had a whiff of disappointment in the air.

The match always draws a big crowd as it is Milton Abbey’s Old Boys Day and during school term time. This year the assembled spectators that lingered pre-match outside the Tuck Shop either resembled crowd members from a Busted concert or characters from Tom Brown School Days with very little in between.

The warm up for the Growers was quite relaxed and why wouldn’t it be after amassing 90 points in the two previous games against the Hornets. In Marco’s absence Kev had taken over as pack leader which lead to plenty of scrummaging practice on the machine but even that didn’t deter Pricey Jnr from talking shop with Si Wildbur about their latest accountancy stories [cue yawning].

Captain for the day was Luke Clark who was making his 5^th guest appearance and therefore gaining membership to our elite club. His confidence as a result was sky high to the point where he was making up his own nicknames for himself. I’m not sure “The Clarkmeister” will stick Luke but good luck anyway.

First Half

When the Growers finally emerged from the changing rooms it became quite clear that the lads had not listened to Kev’s call for champagne rugby and majority had taken as much notice as debutant John Beddow, who in true Bruton style had spent most of Kev’s rousing speech taking a leak in the showers.

The Hornet’s had gathered a considerably stronger side than usual. The game had barely begun before they demonstrated their intentions. Charlie Price in an attempt to make a tackle had been bumped off Scott Gibbs/Os du Randt style flat on his back. Only five minutes had passed and the Hornets had their first shot at goal. Not satisfied with that, ‘Keast the Beast’ (a deserved nickname for his energy and facial expressions during play) gave away another penalty in front of the posts. Fortunately both attempts were missed. Early pressure hadn’t quashed skipper Clarky’s confidence as he threw a number of lineouts to himself. One must question his tactics when he has the line out king 9 foot 4 Charlie Price on his team but never-the-less they were skilfully mastered and quite effective for his counter attacking.

20 minutes through and the score was still 0-0 but this time it was the Growers turn to enforce some pressure. I wondered why we had not taken a shot at goal with two penalty opportunities but after I saw Gibbsy’s first attempt I realised why. Pricey Snr is an accomplished goal kicker himself but clearly didn’t fancy the kicking duties. Perhaps the partisan Hornets supporters had rattled his cage or maybe he is having a few personal or work related problems. Who knows. I will have to send Sergeant Mahony into the Blue Oyster to ask him. Unfortunately the Growers didn’t convert their territorial advantage into points and the pressure was released when the Hornet’s ginger winger ran half the pitch before demonstrating the levels of fitness needed in these high pressure Old Boys games by throwing up from sheer exhaustion.

Throughout the first half the Hornets pack dominated the set piece scrum putting considerable pressure on Pitty at scrumhalf. The pressure resulted in Pitty getting feisty, unfortunately I couldn’t pick up any of his chat but judging by his lips and hand gestures it looked like a similar routine I’ve seen him do before, outside Chicago Rock in Jersey but with fewer bouncers present. Despite this pressure the Growers had another period in the Hornets half. Once again the Hornets looked for the ginger winger for respite but this time he was felled like a tree by Gibbsy before he had time to throw up.

Despite the 0-0 score line after 35 minutes, it had been an enthralling uninterrupted contest. That’s not entirely true. Wildboar and I had been briefly interrupted by a loud aristocratic cry from a man walking in a long old fashion coat and a huge side parting behind us that lead to us believing we may have stepped back in time to Tom Brown School Days. “Montgomerie, you told me the rugger started at two thirty!” Flashman had forgotten it was a 2.00pm kick off. I blinked several times just to make sure I wasn’t caught in some sort of quantum leap and saw Pitty’s silver chav mobile in the background by the Busted fans. Nope it was definitely 2005.

The last play of the first half saw a fatal handling error, spilling the ball into the path of a Hornet who went over to score the first try of the match. Half-time 7-0.

Second Half

Unfortunately it didn’t get any better for the Growers in the second half. No one could question their commitment but nothing was working for them. Keast the Beast seemed to have taken over the kicking duties with Kev. Hoofs up the field and delicate chips were on display as these two forwards went through their repertoire of rugby skills. Frustration often lead to ill discipline that only encouraged the home supporters comedy booing. The match was in danger of turning into a stage pantomime. Keast the Beast had turned into Mickey Mouse (a reference to his scrum cap that had its ear protectors popping out sideways) and the Price brothers had both come off with injuries. With only Rob Campbell as a substitute we were left to borrow a Hornet for our second row. Clarky did a valiant effort of trying to marshal his troops back into battle, many of whom he hardly knew, but it came to no avail. The Hornets went on to score a penalty followed by another try. Full time 15-0.

Post Match

As much as I liked Pricey Snr’s reason for losing was that we didn’t have a token ginger in the team (this position is usually occupied by Lundy or Balders if you include his beard), it was only partially true. The simple truth was that the Growers play was riddled with handling errors. For too long we have got away with the errors but we came up against a good side that punished our mistakes.

I felt guilty afterwards as I slated Pricey Snr’s performance in the changing room by asking him to pay a double match fee. I did try to reason with him in the pub afterwards that I only said it because he is usually one of our best and most consistent performers but I was only enlarging my hole, which, in present company can be a precarious situation. My guilt was only compounded when I got home and realised I had forgotten to complement him on his tremendous tweed jacket.

The Milton Arms provided an excellent post match venue for the new Man of the Match award. Gibbsy has kindly donated his old King’s School jacket to spruce up the customary ceremony of downing a pint of cider. Now the previous Man of the Match winner awards the jacket, with the pint of cider, to the new recipient. Very moving. The jacket doesn’t quite have the same nostalgia and presence as the yellow jersey in the Tour de France or the Green Jacket at the Masters golf but that didn’t stop our club secretary Ollie East from enjoying his moment in the limelight in front of all 7 of us who had stayed for the ceremony. In recognition of his award he contributed the first spillage to be soaked in its glorious polyester finish.

DPW